Self Help vs. Intimacy Activism
I’m tired… of the headlines, of the horrendous events unfolding everyday, of being told to carry on as if everything’s fine. Our nervous systems are not built to process the levels of atrocity that are unfolding everyday. If you think another self‑help routine will change that — it won’t. We need intimacy activism that actually centers consent, so that we can build relational structures that dismantle the oppressive system.
Self‑help says: heal yourself, optimize your life, manage your trauma so you can keep functioning. That’s not wrong — people deserve tools to survive and feel better. But when healing is only an individual project, it lets patterns of secrecy and coercion keep repeating. Self help focuses on fixing yourself so that you can adjust to the current system. It says, “fix your body, fix your mind, fix your work ethic.” It wants you to get up early to optimize your productivity throughout the day. Multitask, so you can stay fit and take care of your dog (I so do this). Go to therapy to cope with a system that is inherently broken. And it’s not working. It asks people to adapt instead of shifting how we relate.
Intimacy activism, however, starts with unlearning harmful relational narratives. It builds a culture of consent instead of treating it like a checklist. Consent practices make power visible and negotiable. This looks like; naming needs, not shaming them; honoring boundaries and agency out of mutual care and respect; checking in and recognizing that consent is a conversation, not a binary “yes/no” answer; and repairing harm when violations happen. These are practical, everyday habits that reduce harm and rebuild trust.
Intimacy activism invites pleasure as vital, not trivial. It honors different needs of different bodies, backgrounds, experiences, or trauma responses. It centers accountability and repair by staying present through conflict, and it builds relational skills. And, it challenges shame around sex, desire, needs, bodies, and attachment styles.
I am frustrated with the system, so I channel it. This is why I hold sex-positive workshops, facilitate conversations around consent and boundaries, and normalize the process of asking, pausing, and listening to your own body, as well as tuning into your partner’s in order to have better sex and deeper intimacy.
Intimacy activism is a convergent term that shows up across feminist theory, somatics, sex-positive movements, and relational justice work. The concept of pleasure as a strategy for liberation comes directly from adrienne marie brown’s work, and much of my somatic lens is shaped by Resmaa Menakem’s work on how trauma and oppression live in the body. As a white woman, I want to be clear that much of the thinking that informs my work - especially around intimacy, consent, pleasure, and healing as political - comes from Black feminist, queer, and somatic justice traditions. I see my role as practicing, integrating, and transmitting these ideas with care, credit, and ongoing accountability.
If you are curious about how you can learn new tools for intimacy within yourself and your intimate partnerships, I have some upcoming workshops that I’m excited to share.
I have 3 Cuddle Puddles this month!!
This SUNDAY in BROOKLYN at Daya Yoga Studio, I’ll be hosting a platonic intimacy experience. So if you want to reset your nervous system and unlearn some of the patterns that teach you that you have to do this all alone, I urge you to step out of your comfort zone and in the cuddle zone! Spend Super Snug Sunday with me February 8!
Valentine’s Day, February 14, 2-6pm, Areina Naranjo and I are bringing our Couples Massage and Sensual Connection workshop back to Denver! We want to focus on giving you the tools to connect with a quality of presence that allows each of you to be seen in your eroticism simultaneous to your vulnerability. I will be leading somatic exercises centered around consent, attunement, and presence, while Areina will be demonstrating massage techniques to help you develop confidence in your touch. This workshop will help you awaken a new level of connection, intimacy, and pleasure.
For enhanced nourishment and sensory pleasure each couple will receive a hand-crafted massage oil and yummy chocolate.
Couples and single tickets are available to accommodate all relationship styles.
